It was getting bad, so I picked up the phone. And search -engined S.P.A.R.K.S; a site geared towards helping mothers deal with postpartum depression. I found their phone number and toyed with the idea of calling them. My toddler was a few feet away but felt like light years away from my ability to do anything for her. I slumped down in the couch as I looked at the symptoms, at the pictures of the woman with tears in her eyes and wondered; is that me?
So I called my therapist. Therapists that I have come across are Gd's direct messengers; the ones who are willing to work with whatever price you can handle are the ones that are For Real, who really care, who will be available for you whenever you need. I've been lucky to find three of them in my life so far. Yes, I am a blessed woman.
So of course, she was available for me, in twenty minutes.
We talked, and I laid it to her straight- I've been having a hard time, I told her. I want to know if I should go on medication. If I need to , I will, for my family, etc.
So she listened, and concluded: No, you don't need medication. You're having a hard time. What you need is help. Spend the money on cleaning ladies and babysitters.
Which is what I had thought too. That my depression and anxiety was circumstantial; albeit circumstances related to just having given birth and having a two year old rowdy and fun toddler. But many times, when down and overwhelmed, I would speak to people and their first reaction was- maybe you have PPD, maybe you should get that checked out...
But it seems like sometimes that PPD has to be renamed. Some people truly have it; hormonal fluctuations, etc, that needs a chemical adjustment. But others, like me, just need a cleaning lady-shaped pill, and extra vitamin pills full of babysitting goodness, and everything will be better, much better.
So let's call it what it is. Sometimes, women don't have postpartum depression. They just have a hole in their mind and hearts that needs to be filled with other loving women who can straighten their messes and look after their children.
Sometimes, it's as simple as that.