On the Horse

Perhaps the best piece of advice I ever received on motherhood so far was from the  7 Secrets something something Jewish book.

"sometimes" the author advises, " in motherhood, you're on the horse, on top of the world, in control, and sometimes you fall off the horse."

At the time, feeling high and on the horse, I pitied these women, who had not realized as I had how to become master of her domain, the queen of her castle.

That's the trickery of the horse syndrome- when you're on the horse, there's no place to go (so you think!): you've arrived, and all due to your hard work, intelligence, and perseverance (your chest of hot air tells you).

But then, inevitably, sooner rather than later, you fall, the horse bucks, sending you out of the saddle, and before you know it, you're  on the floor, looking hopelessly around, up at the horse way up high, impossibly high it seems. Was I ever up there? you wonder, sheepishly shaking your head, as you commiserate about your troubles, failures, and struggles.

Three years later, I'm beginning to wise up. I'm fluctuating often, riding the horse and then finding myself looking up at him from a vantage point far below. And every time I'm finding myself in the saddle, high on my good fortune and power, or bucking down in frustration, I'm starting to see that it's not really, completely, or mostly me, anyways. Sure, I can try to read up as much about how to take care of children, consult with friends, follow a plan, exercise, eat well, but at the end of the day, I'm still just a passenger on this ride of life, I'm not the one driving.

Welcome to life, mama.